Who Says News Cannot be Funny?

Surprisingly this was not on the front cover of the Herald Sun this morning:

River rescue as sex toy ditches rider
Thomas Hunter
January 17, 2011 - 6:31AM

A bizarre decision to ride an inflatable doll down a flood-swollen Yarra River blew up in a woman’s face yesterday when she lost her latex playmate in a rough patch.

The incident prompted a warning from police that blow-up sex toys are "not recognised flotation devices’’.

Police and a State Emergency Services crew were called to the rescue when the woman and a man, both 19, struck trouble at Warrandyte North about 4.30pm yesterday.

They were floating down the river on two inflatable dolls and had just passed the Pound Bend Tunnel when the woman lost her toy in turbulent water.

She clung to a floating tree, calling for help while the man stayed with her. Fortunately for the pair, a passer-by called triple zero while while a kayaker took life jackets to the pair. Police and the SES crew hauled the water-logged thrillseekers to safety.

But, with Queensland in the grip of a deadly emergency and 50 rescues from flood waters around Victoria in the past week, police were not amused at the pair's "stupid" actions.

‘‘We’ve got people busy with rescues and to have to divert resources to that sort of thing is not ideal," said Senior Constable Wayne Wilson

‘‘Most rescue organisations would frown on people behaving in such a manner because there are people out there who are in genuine need of assistance,’’ he said.

The rescued pair were checked by ambulance officers but did not require medical attention.

‘‘The fate of the inflatable dolls is unknown,’’ said Senior Constable Wilson.

You will note your flotation device is fitted with a ... for extra inflation and a whistle and light to attract attention in case of an emergency.

Who Knew Love Could be so Painful?

Swedish couple's sex act ends with man stabbed, woman arrested

A SWEDISH couple's attempt to make things more interesting in the bedroom ended with a man stabbed in the thigh and his girlfriend in police custody.
Police believe alcohol may have contributed to the sexual mishap that began when a 47-year-man cut off his girlfriend's stockings with a knife, the Expressen newspaper said.

He then handed her the blade and she attempted to slash through his underwear. But the encounter turned from pleasure to pain when the 36-year-old woman accidentally stabbed her lover in the thigh.

"From what we understand, it was a sex act that went a bit wrong," a police spokeswoman said.

The injured man was taken to a hospital in Vasteras, central Sweden, to be treated for blood loss, while his partner was initially arrested on suspicion of aggravated assault. But despite the cut, the man did not file formal charges.

"She is very sorry and remorseful," the police spokeswoman added.

WTF 35 - Jesus I am coming!

I think there is a lesson in here for all of us!

Sexual arousal led to nanny's death

A YOUNG woman died from a heart attack caused by sexual excitement while watching porn, an inquest heard.

Nicola Paginton, 30, a children's nanny, was found dead in bed last October with a vibrator by her side and an erotic movie playing on her laptop.



A Home Office pathologist told the inquest in Gloucester that Miss Paginton died from a sudden heart arrhythmia, probably brought on by her state of arousal.

Coroner Alan Crickmore ruled her "activity before death" contributed to the fatal cardiac arrest and recorded a verdict of natural causes.

The inquest heard Miss Paginton, of Cirencester, Gloucs, was found dead on October 15 2009.

Det Sgt Gavin Webb said police were called by her employer, Sarah Griffiths, after she did not turn up for work.

Mrs Griffiths had seen Miss Paginton the day before and said she had appeared to be fit and well.

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She went to her home, but when she couldn't get an answer at the door, she enlisted the help of a neighbour to break in.

Miss Paginton's GP Laura Patterson said she suffered fainting episode in 2007.

Pathologist Dr Richard Jones said there was no evidence of natural disease or trauma, but he said a fainting episode may indicate a possible heart problem.

He said: "There is nothing to explain why she died in this way but I suspect sudden cardiac death.

"In individuals who have this heart abnormality there is usually a trigger - something like an alarm bell or a telephone.

"In Nichola's case the increase in heart rate may be associated with physical arousal."

I wonder what Cardinal Pell would think about all of this?

Well the rates Appear Reasonable

But i am unsure about the goose quill:



Apologies for the language. Apparently it is from 1912.

Is the Effect at Work Again?

Clarke in sudden dash from tour
March 9, 2010 .

MICHAEL Clarke has made a sudden exit from Australia's tour of New Zealand for personal reasons. Team officials are uncertain if or when he will return.

The Age understands his hasty departure is related to issues involving his fiancee Lara Bingle and not to health concerns over his father Les, who has been battling cancer for some time.

So if the whole photo thing is upsetting Lara soo much why on earth has she sold her story for $200k? and kept the media bandwagon going on? Why wouldn't she just let it go and move on? Have to wonder.

Now I will admit I am not a legal expert but I am still wondering on what grounds the Lara camp have to take Fevola to court? If he did not distribute the photo or make a profit from the sale, how can they get financial restitution?

Statistics and Lies

Interesting Statistics:

One in three women, seven in 10 men watch online porn - study
From: NewsCore February 10, 2010 3:21PM

SEVENTY per cent of men and 30 per cent of women view pornography online - and it only becomes a "major problem" when taken to extremes, a study in Sydney has declared.
The research, on how porn affects people's work, finances and relationships, is being led by Dr Gomathi Sitharthan at the University of Sydney's Graduate Program in Sexual Health.

"Viewing porn online becomes a major problem only when people become so preoccupied that they spend 16 to 18 hours a day doing nothing else but watching porn, with serious impacts on relationships, work, studies, and finance," Dr Sitharthan said.

"In recent years we have seen increasing numbers of clients coming to counselling practices with online porn addictions.

"They come from all walks of life: students, teachers, lawyers, health practitioners and priests.

"Often they will come to counseling with another problem, and the underlying problem of addiction to internet porn may come out after two or three sessions.

"The sensitive nature of this issue means many people find it very hard to talk about."

Internet porn addiction was a growing problem partly due to its easy accessibility, Dr Sitharthan said.

She hoped the survey would further scientists' understanding of internet pornography addiction and how best to offer assistance to overcome it, as treatment options were limited.

Dr Sitharthan said she hoped for broader public discussion of the issue, particularly given the recent spotlight on sex addiction due to the case of shamed golf star Tiger Woods.

Members of the public were being invited to take part in the survey, which can be done online.
Somehow I doubt my work internet filter would allow me to go anywhere near THAT survey!

Thank God for the porn industry

Now before anyone gets on their high horse the title of this post is a direct quote from an article in today's Age.

I suggest you read the article to figure out how Porn innovations relate to geography lessons in school.

The latest thing is 3D tv following on from the current crop of 3D movies and of course what is now happening is 3D porn movies! I suggest not sitting too close to the TV for those shows!!!!

A Long Day in Brisbane

Saturday was a long and enjoyable day for me.

The festivites started at around 10:40am at Melbourne airport and ended at around 3am Sunday morning at the Treasury Casino in Brisbane.

The reason for the trip was a Gentlemen's Trip Away coinciding with the Melbourne Victory playing Brisbane Roar on Saturday evening.

Some things I have learnt:

1. Brisbane has weather that is very condusive to drinking a lot;
2. A casino at 3am is a strange creature;
3. Vodka and Coke is a refreshing change;
4. Beer before noon is allowed; and
5. Apparently it rained in Melbourne.

So a few thanks have to be said to:

a) Ming the fabulous BlackJack dealer who turned my $100 into $200 in 10 minutes;
b) the 3 gentlemen who joined me on the trip and organised most of it;
c) The Caxton Hotel for somehow being able to be a sports bar and nightclub;
d) The casino bouncers for breaking a punters wrist just so the crowd at 3am had something to watch; and
e) My liver for still functioning today.

And if you are wondering the standard of cabs was excellent. And there were plenty of them still driving around at 3am compared to what happens in Melbourne.

Why I Drink Beer

Somehow I think the theory may have some flaws in it.

Is It Too Late?

To change or add to my list of ten people I do not want to hear about anymore?

WTF 29 - Japanese Edition

Husband-hunting pushy bra counts down to marriage

Hiroshi Osedo
May 15, 2009 12:00am

JAPANESE women hoping for a marriage proposal should try Triumph International's new husband-hunting bra.

The "konkatsu" model has a countdown clock beneath the bra cups that shows the time at which the wearer hopes her beau will pop the question.

If engaged before the clock hits zero, she or her fiance can insert the ring into a slot.

The bra will then play The Wedding March to celebrate her engagement.

What will happen if she fails to get engaged before the time is up? Never mind, the clock will reset automatically.

The new bra set was exhibited at the Triumph Autumn-Winter Collection show in Tokyo this week.

Would-be brides will have to be patient because the konkatsu is not on sale yet.

Hmm I can imagine this would make any man run.

WTF 28 - Ba Humbug Wowsers

Sex theme park Love Land torn down
Article from: Reuters

From correspondents in Beijing
May 18, 2009 10:57am

CHINA'S first sexually explicit theme park has been torn down before it even started, after an outcry from officials.

Love Land, set to open in October in the southwestern city of Chongqing,
featured exhibits on sexual history and how-to workshops, the China Daily newspaper reported last week.

A picture of the park entrance showed a signboard with the park's name straddled by a giant pair of women's legs topped by a red thong.

and here is the picture:

Other than the local conservative community not wanting it, what this article shows is the ease that online news services such as news.com.au can reproduce a 'story' or 'news item' across the globe.

UPDATE. The Age is not immune.

WTF 26 - I wonder if there is any Shane Warne Porn in there?

Revealed: national stash of red-hot blue movies
Mex Cooper
May 5, 2009

It may not be hidden under a mattress but many Australian taxpayers would be unaware they are part-owners in a major stash of pornography.

The erotica collection held by the Government-funded National Film and Sound Archive includes 108 films ranging from soft to hard-core pornography, according to a media report.

Many of the works have been donated by pornography makers over decades with the Archive only paying for one of a list of works obtained under a freedom-of-information request.

Titles held by the archive include True Blue, Manly Beach, Down Under, Taken Down Under, Outback Stripper, Sydney Boys Go Off and Aussie Rules, according to the report.

Archive senior curator Graham Shirley reportedly defended the collection, which he said was a legitimate contribution to Australian cultural history.

It is believed the erotica collection includes films dating back 80 years, documentaries, silent films and some that would now be considered art movies as much as pornography.

The Archive has more than one million images and sound recordings in its collection
dating back to 1890.

WTF 22 - Cum Fly With Me

Helicopter pilot allows porn star to perform sex act on him while flying
April 8, 2009

A US judge says a commercial helicopter pilot videotaped in a sex act while
flying over San Diego committed gross negligence and cannot have his licence back.

National Transportation Safety Board administrative law Judge William R. Mullins upheld a Federal Aviation Administration order revoking the licence of David Martz after a hearing on Tuesday.

Martz had no comment after the ruling.

A passenger was videotaping when Martz let an adult film actress perform a sex act on him during the 2005 flight, and an edited version eventually became public.

The judge watched the unedited tape in chambers and took testimony before his decision.

Martz testified that his actions were unwise and he's much more responsible now.

AP

The judge watched the film... How many times?

WTF 10

What is with the Daily Tele and breasts?? more importantly why do they keep on re-reporting from the London Sun?


Sheyla Hershey has nine ops to have biggest fake breasts

February 05, 2009 12:00am
A US housewife has undergone nine breast enlargement operations to become the proud owner of the biggest fake breasts in the world.

Blonde Sheyla Hershey will appear on British television tonight after boosting her breasts to 38KKK.

Medics warned the 28-year-old that her breasts are in danger of exploding but that did not stop Sheyla going under the knife for the record breaking surgery.

Sheyla, from Houston, Texas, said: "To me, big is beautiful. I don't think I have anything to worry about."

US doctors had refused to carry out any more ops on Sheyla when her breasts were already a staggering 34FFF.

But Sheyla was determined to get in the record books and jetted off to Brazil where there are no limits on implant sizes.

Her British ex-boyfriend started paying for her plastic surgery, but she left him after he begged her to stop.

Read the full story in the London Sun

WTF 6

Honestly - WTF is with the Corby family?




Not bad for a woman who went to court in a defamation case against Today Tonight to save her good name??

I think Tracey Spicer sums it up:

MEMO Mercedes Corby: put your tits away. Nobody really wants to see
them.

I can now exlusively reveal one of the shots.

WTF 2 Part 2 - The Return of the Tits

Good News everybody. You can sleep safe at night:

shipment of inflatable breasts found in Melbourne

December 10, 2008 01:45pm

MORE than 100,000 pairs of missing inflatable breasts intended for a men's
magazine promotion have turned up in Melbourne.The shipment of plastic boobs
from China had been missing for more than a week after Chinese officials lost
the paperwork and put them on the wrong boat, a Ralph magazine spokeswoman said.

They had been due to dock in Sydney last week, but have since turned up at a
Melbourne dock, where they've been sitting for a week. Workers are now
frantically working to put them in bags to go out with the December 15 issue.
Ralph editor Santi Pintado said the incident had cost the magazine $30,000.

"If we'd found them a day later, it'd have been too late to get them on the next
issue," Pintado said. "You'd think the Chinese economy was in enough trouble
without misplacing 130,000 pairs of boobs." The magazine is expected to break
the Guinness world record for the most boobs given away at one time.

WTF 2

Watermelons: Ralph loses inflatable breasts at sea

MORE than 130,000 inflatable breasts have been lost at sea en route to Australia.
Men's magazine Ralph was planning to include the boobs as a free gift with its January issue.
The cargo is worth about $200,000, which is another blow for publisher ACP's parent company PBL, which is already in $4.3 billion of debt.
Gallery: These breasts are plastic - but they are not lost
A spokeswoman for Ralph said the container left docks in Beijing two weeks ago but turned up empty in Sydney this week.
The magazine has put out an alert to shipping authorities to see if they have the container, but if they don't turn up in the next 48 hours it will be too late for the next issue, she said.
Ralph editor Santi Pintado urged anyone who has any information to contact the magazine.
"Unless Somali pirates have stolen them its difficult to explain where they are," Pintado said.
"If anyone finds any washed up on a beach, please let us know."