Who Says News Cannot be Funny?

Surprisingly this was not on the front cover of the Herald Sun this morning:

River rescue as sex toy ditches rider
Thomas Hunter
January 17, 2011 - 6:31AM

A bizarre decision to ride an inflatable doll down a flood-swollen Yarra River blew up in a woman’s face yesterday when she lost her latex playmate in a rough patch.

The incident prompted a warning from police that blow-up sex toys are "not recognised flotation devices’’.

Police and a State Emergency Services crew were called to the rescue when the woman and a man, both 19, struck trouble at Warrandyte North about 4.30pm yesterday.

They were floating down the river on two inflatable dolls and had just passed the Pound Bend Tunnel when the woman lost her toy in turbulent water.

She clung to a floating tree, calling for help while the man stayed with her. Fortunately for the pair, a passer-by called triple zero while while a kayaker took life jackets to the pair. Police and the SES crew hauled the water-logged thrillseekers to safety.

But, with Queensland in the grip of a deadly emergency and 50 rescues from flood waters around Victoria in the past week, police were not amused at the pair's "stupid" actions.

‘‘We’ve got people busy with rescues and to have to divert resources to that sort of thing is not ideal," said Senior Constable Wayne Wilson

‘‘Most rescue organisations would frown on people behaving in such a manner because there are people out there who are in genuine need of assistance,’’ he said.

The rescued pair were checked by ambulance officers but did not require medical attention.

‘‘The fate of the inflatable dolls is unknown,’’ said Senior Constable Wilson.

You will note your flotation device is fitted with a ... for extra inflation and a whistle and light to attract attention in case of an emergency.

Q: What do Miley Cyrus and Andrew Bolt Have in Common?

A: They both have a passion for Salvia.

And I never thought I would ever group them together.

A Funny Thing Happened on the Way to the Forum

SO you know I have been living in Sydney for work over the last few months.

Living in a new city alone can be challenging and interesting. Today I am going to share with you an interesting evening from a few weeks ago.. Well it really is two evenings spaced a couple of weeks apart.

Night One
I ventured to an establishment in Darling Harbour in search of $5 pizzas and a decent beer. Having found said venue I found a seat on a table sharing bench seats with two guys at the other end. I find out one of them lives in the same apartment block as me.. odd.

So I ask, "where is a good spot to go for a quiet beer around here?"
"I own a bar" replies the other guy. odd.

So after Pizza and beers we head off to check out this guys bar. At this point I start thinking od Police Academy and the Blue Oyster bar:



Luckily the bar is nothing like that! Anyway I get told that the owner is good friends with a magician who drops in most nights for a beer or two. Ok no worries I think as I finish off another free drink.

On to Night Two

A couple of weeks later i am standing outside a noodle shop waiting for my vegeterian non meat fake chicken real vegie stir fry when the guy from downstairs walks past saying the magician would be at the bar and i should pop in.

So after the Tofu Chicken Real Vegie Stir fry with noodles (authenticity to be verified) i heade to the bar. Magician is there. After a few beers discussing the merits of palm reading and beer he suggests he will "do a few tricks". 4 hours later he is still going. i am drunk and it is past 1am.

http://jackblackmagic.com/htmlCloseup.php

I stagger home still trying to figure out how he could do some of the tricks. I still have not got it figured out. When Night Three occurs I will let you know!

Back In Melbourne . . . well sort of

The project i am working on in Sydney has had another delay outside of my control resulting in being in Melbourne for a few days and Sydney for a few days each week.

Bit strange to be disjointed and not working on one thing or another but stuck somewhere in the middle.

It looks like i will be back in Sydney full time in the New Year so I will enjoy the Monday morning sleep in while I can.

Who Knew Love Could be so Painful?

Swedish couple's sex act ends with man stabbed, woman arrested

A SWEDISH couple's attempt to make things more interesting in the bedroom ended with a man stabbed in the thigh and his girlfriend in police custody.
Police believe alcohol may have contributed to the sexual mishap that began when a 47-year-man cut off his girlfriend's stockings with a knife, the Expressen newspaper said.

He then handed her the blade and she attempted to slash through his underwear. But the encounter turned from pleasure to pain when the 36-year-old woman accidentally stabbed her lover in the thigh.

"From what we understand, it was a sex act that went a bit wrong," a police spokeswoman said.

The injured man was taken to a hospital in Vasteras, central Sweden, to be treated for blood loss, while his partner was initially arrested on suspicion of aggravated assault. But despite the cut, the man did not file formal charges.

"She is very sorry and remorseful," the police spokeswoman added.

HAPPY BIRTHDAY TO ME!

Oh god I am getting old..

37!

Normal programming to resume shortly.

Week Three - Some Sydney Observations

Back to Sydney again this week and I thought I would pass on some more observations. Now I know there will be some who do not agree with these. But hey you get the idea:

1. Not all Sydney Walkers are slow. But most of them are.

2. I have a pair of shoes that when scuffed on the footpath make the same sound as when the red man turns green at the pedestrian lights. I nearly sent a kid into the fron of a bus the other day because he was too busy texting to bother to look to see if the actual lights had changed. (insert evil laugh here)

3. I have to admit i like the way some pedestrian traffic light work to allow ease of traffic flow without hindering pedestrian movements.

Why do they ask Gai Waterhouse?

Firstly I have won as many Melbourne Cups as Gai Waterhouse.

She has shit me for decades. She has done nothing in the Melbourne Spring Carnival. A few weeks ago one of her horses won a Caulfield Cup, her first one. Seriously she has no idea how to train horses for Melbourne. She should stick to the Autumn Carnival in Sydney.

When she wins a Melbourne Cup I might listen to her bullshit ramblings.

Post Race Update:

Gai continues her amazing streak. No doubt Channel 9 will be crossing to her for all the action. I do not know why. how did her big chance go:

Descarado did not finish.

Shonky Products and Zooper Doopers

When I was a teenager I played tennis during the summer months. Being in a country town I would often have to play the same people in the competition. One particular day I came up against a tennis player who i had never beaten before.

It was a hot day and before the game i ate an orange zooper dooper. I went on to win the game of tennis. "Wow" I thought, "the zooper dooper must have made a difference."

So for the next 4 weeks I ate an orange zooper dooper before the game of tennis but never played quite as well as that week.

So today I read the following article and was not surprised. Orange zooper doopers are cheaper and who knows, there may be some benefits in the flavourings and suger content!

Choice statement October 26, 2010 - 11:59AM
.People's Watchdog Choice unveils the 2010 shonkiest companies

The shonkiest, meanest and silliest rip-offs and scams have been named and shamed today at the 2010 Annual Shonky Awards, hosted by the people's watchdog , consumer group Choice.

A total of eight companies and products were chosen for this year's awards: supermarket giant Coles; Commonwealth Bank; pain relief brand Nurofen; whitegoods brand LG; wristband "sporting aid" Power Balance; rope producer Medalist; website babynamemeans.com and a selection of olive oil brands.

Advertisement: Story continues below While 2010 brings revised processes and new consumer and credit laws the annual Choice Shonky Awards continue to act as a reminder that consumers need to be as vigilant as ever.

Christopher Zinn, spokesman for Choice comments: "This is the fifth year of the Shonky's and you'd think most companies would be doing their best to ensure they're delivering good honest products and services.

"Yet year after year we're continually amazed by marketers' efforts to take Australians for a ride."

The 2010 Shonky winners:

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Company: Power Balance

Product: Power Balance band

Background information: Despite the promotion blurb promoting benefits for natural energy flow the Power Balance band is simply just a rubber band bracelet with a plastic hologram. Heaving endorsed by sporting pros it retails for a mere $60 alongside claims it somehow makes you stronger, more poised and just better. The band was tested at Choice under controlled lab conditions which showed it did little else than empty purchasers' wallets.

Dam Buster of.... Ballina

Yes readers the magical tour continues. I am just back after two days in the Ballina area of northern NSW. Some notes:

How long does it take to get a coffee made in the Northern Rivers area of NSW?
How can anyone function with the daylight savings / no daylight savings issues on the border and specifically the ariport.

Anyway back to Sydney for a few days.

Dam Buster of .... well Sydney

Hello everyone,

Yes I know it has been a long time between posts. The life and times of DB have been a little hectic to say the least.

So where am i? Sydney
WTF are you doing there? Workin
Why? Because I was requested by a client to help with a project
How long? until xmas at least

So there you go. Expect a few posts about why this place is different to Melbourne.

First thing - Coffee. In Melbourne you cannot turn around without tripping over a Barrista with a proper coffee. Sydney expect Gloria Jeans instead.. errk. I have found a few decent ones so far.

Second thing - Walking pace. Melbourne will take over as Australia's biggest City soon. Why? because we walk faster than Sydney-siders. Melbournians walk like they are 3 mins late for the 5;15 to Belgrave. Sydney-siders amble taking up the whole path while at it!

more to come...

In China they do things Different

The Herald Sun is reporting that in China they have the fastest trafic jam around:



Hmm 100km/hour is pretty fast for traffic that is not meant to be moving.

Seatbelts Do Save Lives

Or should I say, not wearing them costs lives.

The fact that it is 40 years since the law was passed regarding complusory seat belt wearing in Victoria has some signifigance to me. You see when I was 18 in my first year of Uni living i nMelbourne away from home I got a knock on the door on a Sunday night.

The girl who knocked on the door was from the same country town as me and she told me that her parents had heard a good friend of mine had been in an accident. Scott my mate, probably one of my closest friends at the time had been back to the country for the weekend to play footy, to catch up with mates and to have a good time before heading back to Melbourne to work.

He and I used to hang out in Melbourne as we were the only 2 guys from my year who moved to Melbourne, he for a trade, myself to go to Uni. Scott and I would catch up after work/uni and go for dinners, or beers, or both! In fact when the knock on the door occured I had a bag of his clothes in my cupboard because i lent him some clothes to go out in.

Back to the Sunday night.. the girl told me that it was quite serious and that I should make some calls. I rang my parents but the had not heard much. I rang friends and the news came back that things were not good.

Scott had been taken by Ambulance to Hospital where he was on life support. two days later his parents turned off the machine because he was brain dead. He was 18, the oldest of 4 boys and a true friend.

Over the following days I heard that what had happened was that Scott and another friend had been to visit some others and were on the way back to town, Scott a bit of a risk taker was not fond of the seatbelt in the old car as the clip was hard to undo (he had told me as such on previous road trips). He took a dodgy bend too fast and rolled the car about 400m from his parents house. Scott was thrown out, the passenger escaped with a fractured arm.

Again - he was 18, eldest of 4 brothers and a friend to everyone. he died within sight of his parents house all because he didnt like doing up his belt.

I do reflect on what could have been with Scott. A true mate who would have been a friend for life. To me it is already half a life ago.

So please Buckle Up.

Vote Early and Vote Often II

Before you vote on 21 August I suggest you read the following article penned by Mungo MacCallum in 2007 after John Howard was ousted:

The dubious legacy of John Winston Howard
Mungo MacCallum writes:

John Winston Howard was Australia’s second longest-serving Prime Minister, presiding almost unchallenged over the political landscape for well over a decade.

His time in government can not be dismissed lightly. However it can be dismissed heavily, so here goes.

Even on his political deathbed, Howard insisted that his government had delivered great economic reform. In fact in almost 12 years he implemented just three important changes, all of highly dubious merit.

The first was to move the responsibility for monetary policy from the elected government to the government-appointed Reserve Bank. This meant that he no longer had to take the blame for rises in interest rates, while of course continuing to demand the credit for falls. This early switch developed into a pattern: throughout his prime ministership, Howard steadfastly refused to accept responsibility for anything. Only on Saturday night, with nothing left to lose, was he prepared to own up.

Howard’s second legacy was the never-ever GST, a particularly nasty piece of regressive taxation whose only virtue is its universality; if a GST is absolutely comprehensive it is impossible to avoid. By compromising with Democrats to exempt some so-called essential items, Howard destroyed even this advantage. The GST remains an unfair and lazy way of collecting revenue, and has led to an immensely complicated series of benefits and hand outs to compensate for its ill effects. It is now entrenched as monument to Howard’s political dishonesty and economic incompetence.

The third innovation was, of course, WorkChoices. Unheralded and badly thought out, this grab-bag of ideological thuggery was thrust upon a startled electorate when an unexpected opportunity arose, and the results are now clear. Some of its worst features have already been quietly disposed of, and most of the rest will go as soon as the senate allows. What is left will indeed constitute reform of the industrial relations system; but it will not be the “reform” of which Howard boasted.

Howard’s other claim is that he leaves Australia a stronger, prouder and more prosperous country than he found it.

Stronger? Well, that it depends how you measure it. Howard huggers have always claimed that in international affairs, Australia now punches above its weight. What they actually mean is that Howard was duchessed by George W Bush, who found him a very amenable acolyte. The rest of the world saw us in that light. Stronger should mean more independent, and self-confident. The only bit of Australia in which those qualities are more obvious is the Australian cricket team.

Prouder, then? Certainly more arrogant, less tolerant – the pride that is counted among the seven deadly sins. But prouder of real and lasting achievement? What achievement?

And more prosperous – some people certainly are, much; and the country’s overall wealth has grown, although Howard has had very little to do with that. But we are also far, far deeper in debt, and less secure as a result. By an economist’s measure, our material wealth has grown; but if prosperity is seen as a wider indicator of quality of life, as genuine happiness, Howard failed us badly.

And if we are wealthier, at what cost? We are certainly not the people we were in 1996 when the government last changed.

For more than eleven years, John Howard led us on a voyage driven by greed and fear, into parochialism and paranoia, selfishness and racism, bigotry and corruption, and other dark places in the Australian psyche where we never should have gone. It was a mean and ugly trip, and it will take us all a long time to recover.

As he left the Wentworth hotel on Saturday night surrounded by his weeping and cheering entourage of orcs my main feeling was not of exultation or even euphoria, but of relief—the same sort of reaction I had to Cathy Freeman’s win at the Sydney Olympics, or at the moment, 17 years ago, when I stubbed out my last cigarette. The result was long-anticipated and entirely welcome, but how dreadful I, and many others, would have felt if it had not happened.

And on that note spare a thought for Labor’s patriarch, Gough Whitlam, who against
most expectations has survived to see another Labor government in Canberra. The final word should be his: a great quotation which he used in another context altogether, but which is utterly appropriate for November 24, 2007: E quindi uscimmo a reverder le stelle.

It is the last line of Dante’s Inferno, describing the poet’s return from hell, and it means: And thence we emerged, to see the stars again.

But if Howard was wrong about most things, he at least got Peter Costello right.
For eleven years the man sat there drooling, lusting after the leadership of his party, talking up a storm to his credulous colleagues, plotting with sycophants, sending out his dwarfish messenger Glenn Milne to relate improbable stories of his talent and support. He never actually had the guts to do anything about it, but by golly he let it be known that when the opportunity came, he would show us all.

And when his party was not only ready to offer him the prize, was indeed in real need of his services, Costello spat the dummy right out of the ground. Prime Minister, with all the trappings of office and all the resources of government, would be just fine; but leader of the opposition, the challenge Kevin Rudd took on at precisely Costello’s age before sweeping to victory in less than a year, looked just a little too much like hard work. Poor Petey-pie, too old at fifty, too lazy at any time.

When his colleagues are considering a farewell gift for him, they should pass over the gold watch and all chip in for an iron lung. This would at least remove any lingering doubt over whether Peter Costello would work in one.

I think what Howard stood for is aligned to what the Liberal Party want back.

Naughton's to be Nought?

I read today on The Age website that Naughton's will be closing this Friday:

Last drinks called at Naughton's
July 28, 2010

A PART of Melbourne dies on Friday - the Naughton's Hotel in Parkville is calling last drinks.

A mainstay to university students, political apparatchiks and Carlton footy teams, Naughton's - built in 1873 - was more than a pub, it was a part of Melbourne's fabric.

Now Melbourne's booming real estate sector may be the reason behind the hotel's demise.

Gee whiz. Who would have thought? Now I was not a frequent customer of Naughton's although i did once win 50 free pots on Grand Final day. Ohh what a day.

It was not my favourite pub in the Carlton area. Not by a long shot. I was more a Clyde man. When I was at Uni I felt that Naughton's was full of gits from the College's from that side of the Uni.

There goes another pub off the pub crawl list i used to run.

Of the 14 on the list in 1993, almost all have changed hands and been renovated.

Here are some that come to mind have closed:

Station hotel Fitzroy;
Joker Bar/ Albion Hotel Carlton;
Hotel Canada Carlton;
Naughton's hotel Carlton;
Lemon Tree Carlton; and
Daicos Pub that later become known for where Benny V got shot in the gangland war.

here is a list from the time.
http://www.galactic-guide.com/articles/2R47.html

Vote Early and Vote Often

Now i hope you have all enrolled to vote? . . . Good.

Now please make sure your vote counts on the 21st of August. Because frankly my vote won't. Well my house of Reps vote won't count for much.

Why not? I hear you ask.. Well this is why:

Very Safe Labor 26.0%

Yep. It is the safest Labor seat in Australia. So when you look at what the good people of Eden-Monaro get in the sitting governement's bid to retain power it is amaznig compared to my little seat.

So unless about 10,000 of my neighbours agree to change the way they vote not much will change. Labor does not spend much money or effort there because they have it in the bag and the Liberals won't spend any because they wll never win the seat. All that can happen is if the seat goes a similar way as the seat of Melbourne and the Greens can shake them up a little.

Only time will tell.

Ad Linking Gone Crazy

So I go to look at a video about how a real Hare got in the way of a Greyhound Race in Shep and look at the ad that pops up:



Gold. I love algorithms that link ads to story content.

WTF 35 - Jesus I am coming!

I think there is a lesson in here for all of us!

Sexual arousal led to nanny's death

A YOUNG woman died from a heart attack caused by sexual excitement while watching porn, an inquest heard.

Nicola Paginton, 30, a children's nanny, was found dead in bed last October with a vibrator by her side and an erotic movie playing on her laptop.



A Home Office pathologist told the inquest in Gloucester that Miss Paginton died from a sudden heart arrhythmia, probably brought on by her state of arousal.

Coroner Alan Crickmore ruled her "activity before death" contributed to the fatal cardiac arrest and recorded a verdict of natural causes.

The inquest heard Miss Paginton, of Cirencester, Gloucs, was found dead on October 15 2009.

Det Sgt Gavin Webb said police were called by her employer, Sarah Griffiths, after she did not turn up for work.

Mrs Griffiths had seen Miss Paginton the day before and said she had appeared to be fit and well.

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She went to her home, but when she couldn't get an answer at the door, she enlisted the help of a neighbour to break in.

Miss Paginton's GP Laura Patterson said she suffered fainting episode in 2007.

Pathologist Dr Richard Jones said there was no evidence of natural disease or trauma, but he said a fainting episode may indicate a possible heart problem.

He said: "There is nothing to explain why she died in this way but I suspect sudden cardiac death.

"In individuals who have this heart abnormality there is usually a trigger - something like an alarm bell or a telephone.

"In Nichola's case the increase in heart rate may be associated with physical arousal."

I wonder what Cardinal Pell would think about all of this?

WTF 34 - Speeding Lesbian Pensioner???

Seriously there are so many odd things about this story. Not the least Mildura for the weekend? And how does a Holden vectra do 164km/hr?

Elderly woman clocked at 164km/h says she was visiting young lover

A GRANNY hoon driver has vowed to keep getting behind the wheel - even if
her licence is revoked.

But police, who intercepted 81-year-old Judith Slade driving at 164km/h on Monday afternoon, will apply to have her grounded permanently.


Mrs Slade was pursued by Leading Sen-Constable Nik Probyn for four kilometres, with the lights on his police car blinking and sirens blaring, along the Murray Valley Hwy at Lake Boga until she pulled over.

Because of her age and her driving, police now want to see her licence cancelled.

But Mrs Slade said she had no choice but to continue driving because she would not be separated from her secret lover, with whom she spent the weekend in Mildura. Both were returning from Mildura in separate cars when Mrs Slade was pulled up.

"What difference would it make if they took my licence from me?" she said.

"I'll just buy more cars and they can take them away, too. I could buy another one now just to fight this and cruise past the police station, and say, 'Here I am'."

Mrs Slade admitted she knew she was speeding but blamed her Jack Russell, Aca.

"My friend, she was ahead, and I overtook her," she said.

"Aca then jumped on my leg and wanted to sit there, pushing down hard.

"I had to drag him off . . . and throw him on to the back seat.

"I realised I was going fast.

"I was passing another vehicle. What was I supposed to do?"

Mrs Slade had another explanation for continuing to drive as the unmarked police car pursued her Holden Vectra.

"I thought the police car, with its lights, was a wide-loader," she said. "Then I heard the siren and thought, 'Oh, it's a police car'. I thought they were blue and white."

Yesterday, with her car impounded for four days, and expecting hundreds of dollars in fines, Mrs Slade said she was being punished enough.

She said she could no longer afford a cruise to New Zealand with her friend.

"What I'm losing now, this is a lot," she said.

"My friend, she has been punished and so have I.

"Isn't that enough to make me feel sorry for what I did?

"I won't speed again, that's for sure.

"If they get nasty, I'll just think, what the hell does it matter -- I'll drive after dark."

For at least the past year, there has been a condition on her licence banning her from driving more than 30km from Heathcote.

Mrs Slade said nothing would stop her seeing her lover, who she said was almost half her age.

She is expected to be charged on summons with exceeding the speed limit, driving at a dangerous speed and failing to obey her licence conditions.

Sweet Jeebus I am glad I no longer live up that way. The roads near Lake Boga will be safer for it.

Knackers Rating - Pub Crawl Generator

In August some friends and I are off to Sydney for an away trip. It will include drinking, so after some google magic I came across this little gem:



The pubcrawl generator.. nice. Plug in the start and end and it gives you the pubs / bars along the way. If it had links to the hotels I would give it a higher score.

SO what's the rating?

no knackers - shockingly bad
one knacker - as bad as hitler because he only had on ball
two knackers - normal and average
three knackers - above and beyond the normal
four knackers - incredible
five knackers - as rare as five testicles

Today I am giving PubCrawl Generator a rating of 3.172 knackers.

It would have gone close to four with links to the pubs websites or review pages. Maybe they can add to it later. Bonus score for the website header "Plan your drinking without thinking".